As I lay on my bed at 3.12 am, trying to recollect how I wasted the whole day while trying to be constructive I realize it is not that winter is coming, it has already begun.. perhaps that is why I am numb, deprived of sensations. I manage to look it the other way around, perhaps I am too full of sensations that none of them make much sense at this moment. It’s not that I am inhuman, that I had always been this way. I loved and I cared, I used to be radiant and wretched, I was vibrant and chaotic, I believed and trusted, I could feel once, you know. All I could feel now is the presence of a deep void near my chest, growing and worthless.
Something is missing, I have known. Something which imprisons me, something which I voluntarily don’t let go of, something which gives me the strength to survive and not shatter, something which protects me from the utterly self destroyed world, something which doesn’t allow my soul to take over the void, something which engulfs my heart. However weird it sounds, I am thankful of this something for being the purest scrap on my body.
Speaking of weird, I think it is weirder that I fail to understand ‘feelings’, that I fail to understand ‘humans’, that I fail to understand what ‘Us’ and ‘our’ symbolize. at the first place. Why feel anything when it is not what I want? Why feel love when it only hurts? Why feel sad when it only gets worse? Why feel happy when it is never permanent? Why not feel nothing? I choose to feel nothing, I choose to be deprived of sensations, love, sadness, happiness.
I am sure everyone has their own share of voids, a painful void, a cherished void, a forgotten void but the void of nothingness. I choose to embrace the hollow void inside of me as it gets blurry and feels dizzy.